Words of Wisdom

I wrote a few blogs back about how the Lord is bringing more and more women into my life who have been mercilessly hurt and wounded by infidelity. Even today I had a dear friend confess to finding out her husband has been unfaithul, and my heart broke all over again. It's easy to feel as if you're losing your mind. It truly is. And so I have decided to offer up some words of encouragement and hopefully some nuggets of wisdom that I learned or that someone spoke to me when I was dealing with my own pain. I want to pass these along.
1) Reserve the right to not make a decision.
When you first find out that the one person in your life you're supposed to trust has just crushed all your faith, your mind starts spinning. What do I do now??? How do I process this? And one of my dear friends encouraged me to make no major decision for six months. Wow. That seems to be a very long time. I remember thining at the time "That's a great idea". But when my husband asked if we could work things out a week later, that thought went right out the window. I jumped at the thought that he wanted to work out this issue with me. But the truth is, time told the real truth. I should have taken time to see if his actions matched his words because I believe that when a man is suddenly exposed and realizes his wife knows his secret, there's a moment of relief. But then it's followed with "What have I done? I can lose everything." And reality steps in and causes this man to freak out and get scared. In my case, I believe my spouse did exactly that. He thought he lost his girfriend and didn't want to lose his family, and at the same time didn't truly think I'd take him back. But when I DID...well, you can't now turn around after begging to work it out and say "Sorry, just kidding. I want out again." So my words to you would be, give yourself time to make a decision based on actions and truth - not words or fear.
2) Set aside two thirty minute increments to grieve. Okay, hold on until you hear me out. When you are in the first stages of this grief process, your mind is going a hundred miles an hour. Your whole world has proven to be one you had no idea existed. You're shaken to your core. And it's easy to allow your thoughts to run away with you. Thoughts like, "When did this happen? Where did they go? What did they exactly do and how did they do it?" All of a sudden you want to know everything...even though you really don't. My wonderful counselor likened it to a dog wagging a tail. You want to be able to control your thoughts, not your thoughts control you. Don't let that tail wag the dog. So what I was encouraged to do was allow myself two 30 minute increments so when I was at work or driving the kids around town and one of those useless thoughts would enter my brain, I'd say, "Nope. Not going to think about this until 7:30." And then at 7:30 I'd go into my bathroom -away from the kids - and weep. I'd allow myself to think all those horrible thoughts and get them out. And when 8:00 rolled around, I'd suck it up, wash my face and go on with my evening. Now, it doesn't have to be just like that for you - you decide for yourself the time and the exact increment, but do it because it helps you keep your sanity.
3) I've recommended this book to so many people, and unfortunately it's out of print for the moment - BUT I've spoken to the writer's "people" and they assure me it will be in print again. In the meantime, a local bookstore MIGHT still have one on the shelf, or you can order used ones off of Amazon or ebay. It's Donald Harvey's "When the one you love wants to leave". That book helped me keep my head on straight during that time. It is POWERFUL. Donald Harvey discusses the fact that a man is either pushed out, pulled out, or put out and he gives priceless information on how a wife should respond and keep her sanity and dignity at the same time. A MUST read!
4) Find a support group. Whether it be Divorce Care, Grief, Codependency, Celebrate Recovery...whatever, just make sure it's a group that's real. I have found the most real people you'll ever encounter are involved in some sort of 12 step program. I had read Denise Jackson's book "It's all about Him" and how she found a small group of women who quickly surrounded her and supported her. I remember praying for a group like that and 10 months later, I found it - not even realizing it at the time. It was a codependency group (that I still remain a part of). Listen, I personally believe everyone has some form of codependency, but the people in 12 step Codependency groups aren't weak weird-o's, they're just people who want to do something about their life. Stop harmful patterns. It's unfortunate that when you deal with a hurt like infidelity, or really any "shunned" issue of the church, that we have to be so concerned with rejection from the one place that should be safe. But so many women already experience rejection and shame from the one person who's supposed to love them the most, and they just can't risk being shunned by the church. What's even more unfortunate is there are so many "christians" who don't know how to deal with people in this situation - OR the person who was cheating - so they do nothing. Or they turn away. So find some sort of support group to walk this path with you.
5) Find a counselor who can help you put your thoughts together and give you some direction. Some churches offer free counceling or discounted programs based on income. Take advantage of that. It will be the best investment you can make. But I would encourage HIGHLY that you find a Christian counselor. Psalm 1 talks about getting ungodly counsel...Use wisdom and see someone who understands the need for God's ultimate healing.
6) Finally, and most importantly, turn to the One who created your heart. Someone else might have broken it, but He's the manufacturer and knows how to put it together again, to where it will beat perfectly the way He created it to beat. And don't forget that none of this caught Him off gaurd. It all had to go by His desk before he signed off on it. I choose to look at it this way. He must have had a whole lot of faith in me to know He could allow this to happen and know that I'd turn to Him. And if it brings me closer to Him...it's worth it. Don't go through this for nothing.

This might be some of the darkest moments in your life, but don't let it defeat you. There is hope, freedom, sanity and joy ahead of you. "Weeping only lasts for the night, but Joy comes in the morning". You're just one day closer to your healing. God bless!